Individual principles
Individual Growth
Life is divided into two parts, 1st half and 2nd half. You cannot walk the second half of life’s journey with the tools of the first half. You need a new tool kit. ~Richard Rohr
One of the challenges we face as individuals is that we want others to be responsible for our happiness, joy, and well-being. In some circles this is referred to as co-dependency or playing the role of a victim. You or anyone else, will never find happiness, joy, and well-being until you release the notion that others cause your pain and unhappiness.
It is not your fault you have challenges, addictions, compromised relationships, chronic illness, depression, anxiety, PTSD, obesity, etc. They were given to you, most likely, by your family of origin. You have emerged into adulthood with many false narratives such as "I have no worth," "I'm not good enough," "I can't develop mutual trust & respect with people," & "It's my fault."
BUT it is your responsibility to escape the gravity of the dysfunctional behavior and discover your true identity (authentic self). It is more than talking to someone about your frustrations. It requires that you give up your 1st half of life habits and traditions and develop 2nd half of life habits and traditions.
This process addresses the following:
Addictions (exogenous/endogenous)
Anger/rage
Holding grudges
Alcohol
Drugs
Weight challenges
Codependence
Depression
Anxiety
Stress
Chronic pain
Relationships
Dating
Marriage
Gas lighting
Codependence
Addictions
Parenting
In-laws
Boundaries
Career guidance
Leaders vs. Managers
The business and scholarly world agree when it comes to the difference between leader and manager, they agree to disagree. In my research, there are varied opinions. For purposes of clarity, we teach to the idea that managers manage things (payroll, jobs, projects, budgets etc.), while leaders lead people. No title is required to be an effective leader.
It seems too many “managers” perceive themselves as leaders yet turn their direct reports into objects because they don’t have sufficient social skills (EI) to deal with the challenges, differences, aptitudes, and addictions employees bring to work every day. In other words, the person responsible for and paid to grow the skill set and production of each employee creates a greater challenge to the employee, costs the organization 1.5x the annual benefit package of the employee when they quit, and no accountability is given to the unqualified manager.
CFO’s would have a stronger say in the matter if they tracked the loss of production due to incompetent managers, bullies, and those not suited to lead on the department profit and loss statement. Leadership is a learned skill-set not a DNA transferred ability. Leadership can be measured like an IQ. Whereas IQ measures one capacity to learn, EI measures ones manifested traits and behaviors in specific situations.
Couples Coaching
Couples coaching ONLY works when both are willing to take responsibility for their own growth. Sometimes one of the members of the relationships refuses to be part of the solution. Perhaps they will support you getting coaching, but they don't feel they need the guidance. That's okay. If you are willing to work on yourself, they will have no choice but to be different around you.
The goal will not be to get them to change and the goal is not to save the marriage (relationship). The goal is for you to discover your true identity (authentic self) and invite the other person into your space. If they accept your invitation, they will accept the notion of change. If they choose not to accept your neutral invitation, they will opt out of the relationship because they cannot abide living a principle-based life.
In couples coaching, we use the Harrison assessment to plot specific behavior patterns that contend with happiness, joy, and well-being. The assessment measures personal preferences and is a powerful predictor of behavior. Especially when in a fight or flight reaction. It can be humbling to discover that your manifesting behaviors are, in fact, addictive behaviors and that you are a primary part of the problem.
Parenting
The role of a parent is eternal. Whether your children are toddlers or parents of their own, you remain a parent. Understanding the role of a parent, what it means to discipline, the difference between teach and tell, will play a significant role in your success or perceived failure as a parent. One of the biggest challenges in society in our modern era is the lack of parenting happening in the homes across the nation.
Instead of parents, we have adults trying to be friends on the one hand, and benevolent dictators on the other hand. When being a parent is replaced with being a friend, the child suffers from a lack of principles, guidelines, and the ability to transition from one activity to another. Productivity is compromised.
When the parent is replaced by a tyrant (helicopter or snow-plow parent), the child is taught learned helplessness and never develops their true identity (authentic self). To further exacerbate the situation, helicopter parents often try to be their child's best friend. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Our current generation of children are being raised by emotionally challenged parents who remain children in their social and parenting skills, not knowing themselves how to live a principle-based life. How then, can they teach their children, if they were never taught?
Learning to become a productive parent is a 2nd half of life skill. It is a learned and practiced behavior. One is not simply born a great parent. It takes practice and it's never too late to start.
We each need boundaries, identity, safety and a degree of order and consistency early to prime our first half of life. We need to feel special with an infinite supply of affirmation, affection, and approval for efforts and earned accomplishments or we will spend the rest of our lives searching for, demanding, and bemoaning its lack from others. If we are mirrored early in life, we won’t spend the 2nd half of life begging for the attention of others. — paraphrased from Richard Rohr
When you can understand and then practice the principles found within the preceding paragraph, you will comprehend the meaning of parenthood and it will feel like you've tasted sweetness for the first time.